Slugfest at Kahawa Sukari

Fragment of a Possible Play

By Onyango Oloo in Montreal, Quebec

(The following is a digital dramatic experiment of PURE FICTION. Which is to say, I made EVERYTHING UP. The author has never met Martha Karua or Caroline Mutoko. He has no knowledge whether any of the characters in the sketch actually know each other in real life or not. This is a literary as opposed to literal piece.)


ACT ONE

Scene I:

(Friday night. Inside the living room of a young NARC MP's house in Kahawa Sukari, a suburban neighbourhood near the Kenyatta University. The soft din of a hundred simultaneous conversations. Clinking of glasses. Nyama choma being chomped and ugali chewed. The music of Nairobi City Ensemble in the background. It’s a mixed crowd- men and women, people of all ethnic and racial backgrounds- it is mostly the thirtysomething/early fortyish urban professional and arty-crafty set- singers, musicians, painters, DJs, up and coming lawyers, journalists, writers, architects, doctors, technocrats, NGO middle managers. There are a few well-known politicians because this is an MP’s house, spacious and comfortable enough. The occasion? It is a send-off bash for NDOGONDOGO BOMBSHELL, a well-known Nairobi based r&b/hip hop minor celebrity who is off to the States to study engineering at MIT after wowing Kenyan audiences with her Kiswahili flavored club anthems. She is in a corner surrounded by a crescent of yabbering aficionados. PAUL KELEMBA aka MADD is doing a goofy impersonation, leaving those standing around the long dinner table in stitches; SUZZANA OWIYO is in a quiet conversation with RASHIDA MANJI, a photo-journalist; NJUGUNA MUTAHI is opening another cold one as he enters the mobile number of JASON LEAKEY into his PDA; MWANDAWIRO MGHANGA is in a very heated exchange with KOIGI WA WAMWERE; sitting right in the middle of five or six people bunched up in one of the couches is CAROLINE MUTOKO who takes a sip of bottled water as she cracks open some ground nuts every so often; next to her is TABU OSUSA who is directly opposite
NANCY KEMUNTO, a senior forensic toxicologist.)

TABU: Caroline, Kwani where is Nyambane?
CAROLINE: Why do you ask?
TABU: I just thought….
CAROLINE: Since we do the show together in the morning we must spend the night locked in each other’s arms to make sure we are not late for work?
TABU(chuckling) Hey, hey, hey. Mbona tena? I was not even thinking about that.
CAROLINE: Wacha zako. You think I don’t know you men and where your minds are….
TABU: Relax sister. OK. I will change the subject. What do you folks think of that music in the background?
NANCY: They are good. The lady singing is familiar but I can’t place her. But that is definitely Poxi Presha rapping on that track.

CAROLINE: The lady is Iddi Achieng. Wait a minute! Tabu, is this the CD you were telling me about? Man! Give me five! Congratulations!

NANCY: What does he have to do with it? Are you a musician?

TABU: Thank you Caroline. I don’t think we have met. My name is Tabu Osusa. Nani mwenzangu?

NANCY: I am Kemunto. Nancy. I work for the government as a senior forensic toxicologist.

TABU: What’s that?

NANCY: Let’s put it this way. Say you poison your second wife who lives at Loresho. I am part of the team who will examine the contents of her last meal to see if we can relocate you to a little room in Kamiti to wait for your maker.

TABU:Glad to meet you Ms. Kemunto. That is my band, the Nairobi City Ensemble. I do not perform anymore- but for many years I was part of Virunga, if you have heard of them.
CAROLINE: Tabu, I need my autographed copy right now- you promised me, remember?

TABU: Have to wait for a couple of weeks for the package to arrive from South Africa.
CAROLINE AND NANCY(together): South Africa?!
TABU: Yes, A friend of mine down there did a very professional job and hooked me up with a very nice production and distribution deal.
CAROLINE: Hata hivyo….
NANCY: Buy Kenya, build Kenya. Ted Josiah and Ogopa DJs are right here in Nairobi..
TABU: Nancy, I am a full-fledged producer myself. I was the one doing the mixing and stuff on the last recording. And I have a studio in my house. But I wanted a different feel this time….

THE SOUND OF A CAR HONKING OUTSIDE. AFTER A FEW MINUTES, THE CLANGING SOUNDS OF THE GATES TO THE COMPOUND BEING OPENED AND CLOSED.

END OF SCENE ONE.


SCENE TWO.

SAME LOCATION. SAME TIME. A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. THE YOUNG NARC MP OPENS THE DOOR. MARTHA KARUA WALKS IN WITH FATHER WAMUGUNDA. A COLLECTIVE GASP AND THEN-

BOMBSHELL NDOGONDOGO:(rushing to embrace Martha): Auntie! Thanks for coming!

MARTHA: Ciru, you know I would not have missed this for the world. Carjackers or not (titters and isolated cackles). Have you met the Father?
BOMBSHELL NDOGONDOGO: No. But I have heard so much about him lately.
MARTHA:(beckoning to Fr. Wamugunda) Sweetie, this is the niece I was telling you about. We are so proud of her. When she appeared on East African TV with that raunchy video we thought she had lost her mind because she was a born again Christian.
BOMBSHELL NDOGONDOGO: I am still with the LORD. You have to separate my artistic expression from the person I am. I was reading that in the olden days, there was this woman called Donna Spring, Donna Winter Donna Something like that who sang all kinds of sexy songs yet she remained born again all along.
MARTHA: It was not that long ago!
BOMBSHELL NDOGONDOGO: Well, auntie, let us put it this way, my parents were too young to even date when that diva ruled the charts….
FATHER WAMUGUNDA: Good luck with all your plans. I am happy that you are going to study engineering at MIT. As for me, I have decided to leave the priesthood.
SEVERAL PEOPLE WITHIN EARSHOT: WHAT?!
MARTHA(ignoring everyone): I am going to make him a real father, if you know what I mean, Ciru…I’ll be right back. Let me go and say hi to Mwandawiro and Koigi…

(OVER AT THE COUCH, CAROLINE, TABU, NANCY AND THE OTHERS HAVE HEARD WHAT HAS JUST TRANSPIRED BETWEEN MARTHA AND HER NIECE. CAROLINE MUTTERS AN EXPLETIVE UNDER HER BREATH.)

TABU: Now Caroline don’t start anything.
CAROLINE: Malaya.
NANCY: What? Did you just call me a prostitute?
CAROLINE: Not you of course. I was just referring to that two faced slut.
MARTHA (BELLOWING FROM ACROSS THE ROOM): Caroline! Did I hear you call me a slut?
CAROLINE: So you know yourself. Ati taking us to court, kumbe huku you and Baba Mtoto To Be are still into major strokes.
MARTHA (EXTREMELY ANGRY, DASHING TO WHERE CAROLINE IS SEATED): Listen, you fat bitch! I am going to kick your ass right now!
CAROLINE (JUMPING UP and making some deft Muhammad Ali moves): Bring it on whore!
PAUL KELEMBA aka MADD: Ngai Fafa! Kimeumana!
SUZZANA OWIYO (quickly placing herself as a human shield between the two would be featherweight world championship contenders): Sisters! Sisters! Please! This is not good. This is embarrassing.

BOMBSHELL NDOGONDOGO: Auntie, please don’t ruin my party!
MWANDAWIRO & KOIGI: Mheshimiwa, we must set an example…
MARTHA: Shut up! Mwandawiro, do you think you were setting an example that time in 1985 when you were inspecting a guard of honour at the campus sports ground? And Koigi, our very own Dedan Che Guevara Museveni Kagame Garang- you should talk!

SCENE THREE.

PANDEMONIUM.

BEDLAM.

PEOPLE ARE RUNNING UP AND DOWN TO STOP THE TWO COMBATANTS FROM TEARING EACH OTHER APART. IN THE MIDST OF ALL THIS , THERE IS ONE MAN, A SHORT LITTLE MAN, SORT OF IN HIS EARLY FORTIES, DRESSED IN A VERY FORMAL SUIT, RED TIE HANGING OVER HIS POT BELLY. HE HAS BEEN STEADILY DRAINING THE BOTTLE OF JOHNNIE WALKER WHISKY IN FRONT OF HIM GAZING AT THE FLICKERING MUTED IMAGES ON THE KTN CHANNEL. HE STRUGGLES TO HIS FEET. THERE IS A WET SPOT IN HIS GROIN AREA. HE BANGS ON THE TABLE. NO ONE PAYS HIM ANY ATTENTION. HE TAKES THE JOHNNIE WALKER BOTTLE AND SMASHES IT AGAINST THE WALL. THE SOUND OF SPLINTERING GLASS FORCES EVERYONE’S ATTENTION TO SHIFT TO HIM:

LITTLE SHORT MAN: LISTEN ALL,YOU GHASIA in this room! That’s RIGHT! Wanawake ni TAKA TAKA! Makuma nyinyi nyote! My name is Doctor Dumas Akilidogo and the ONLY WOMAN I respect is my mother. I divorced my stupid wife. I do not speak to my silly sisters. As for the rest of you- you are all useless! And I mean all of you! I don’t care whether it is you Martha- ati Cabinet Minister;
I don’t care whether it is you Caroline, ati big time radio celebrity;
I don’t care whether it is you Suzzana, ati, musical superstar
don’t care whether it is you Bombshell ati future engineer;
I don’t care whether it is you Nancy, ati prominent forensic scientist;
I don’t care whether it is you Rashida ati, well known photographer
For me, you are just a collection of stinking pussies!
I feel like urinating on all of you!
Njooni hapa niwatombe!
Wacha nianze na wewe Martha!
Caroline vua suruali unipanulie! Kaa tayari nikimalizana na Waziri ni wewe!!

HE VOMITS HIS VIAZI NA NYAMA CHOMA ON THE TABLE WHERE THERE IS STILL A LOT OF UNTOUCHED FOOD.

SILENCE, PUNCTUATED BY SHOCK. THE NEAR FIST FIGHT BETWEEN CAROLINE AND MARTHA IS QUICKLY FORGOTTEN.

PAUSE.

SUZZANA: Did this little man just insult me?
NANCY: Did this little man just call me a stinking pussy?
RASHIDA: Did this little man just tell me that he wants to piss on me?
NDOGONDOGO: Did this little man just refer to me as ghasia and taka taka?
MARTHA: Did this little man just tell me he wants to fuuckk me?
CAROLINE: Did this little man just order me to spread my legs for him?

THE SOUND OF APPROACHING THUNDER. ONLY IT IS COMING FROM WITHIN THIS LIVING ROOM. AN ARMY OF VERY ANGRY WOMEN BUMRUSH THE LITTLE MAN. THEY ARE RAINING BLOWS ON HIM, STOMPING ON HIS BALLS WITH THEIR STILETOS, KICKING HIM WHILE ALL ENGROSSED IN A COMMUNAL GLOSSOLALIA OF UNPRINTABLE ABUSE. JUST WHEN IT LOOKS THEY WILL KILL THE LITTLE MAN WITH THEIR BARE HANDS….

THREE GUN SHOTS.

SILENCE.

KIPNGETICH (early thirties in terms of age): I am Inspector Kipngetich with the CID. I am Ndongondogo’s boyfriend. I wanted to remain in the background. Shame on all of you. This was supposed to be a special moment for Bombshell. Now look at all this mess.

I am arresting Martha, Caroline, Suzzana, Nancy, Rashida, Bombshell (yes you too, honey)

TABU, KELEMBA, MWANDAWIRO, KOIGI, NJUGUNA, JASON (all protesting): For what?
KIPNGETICH: Do you guys want to join them? I can always radio for another LAND ROVER you know..

PAUSE.

SILENCE. THE INSPECTOR IS OBVIOUSLY A LAW AND ORDER PROFESSIONAL WHO THINKS AHEAD. HOW MANY PEOPLE GO TO PARTIES ARMED WITH DOZENS OF HANDCUFFS. KIPNGETICH HAS SEVERAL HANDCUFFS WITH HIM. AS HE HANDCUFFS EACH OF THE SUSPECTS:

KIPNGETICH: We are going to Kasarani Police Station. Mutajulia mbele. Twendeni!

End of Scene Three. End of ACT ONE.

ACT TWO

SCENE ONE.

COURT ROOM # 5, NAIROBI LAW COURTS.

(The room is packed with friends, relatives, supporters, the morbidly curious, professional pickpockets, part-time gossips, well-known journalists, lovers and ex-lovers, lots and lots of security. THE KAHAWA SUKARI SIX are all in the DOCK. They are represented by Betty Murungi, Atsango Chesoni, Lucy Ole Kina, Fatuma Sichale and Esther Jowi. SILENCE. The UNCORRUPT MAGISTRATE walks in. All rise.)

Soon, the charges are read out:

UNCORRUPT MAGISTRATE: Martha Karua, Caroline Mutoko, Suzzana Owiyo, Rashida Manji, Cecilia Wanjiru aka as Ndongondogo Bombshell and Nancy Kemunto, you are all jointly charged that on the night of Friday, May 7 , 2004 at Kahawa Sukari estate, you JOINTLY conspired to commit the act of attempted murder against the peace-loving Dr. Dumas Akilidogo. How do you plead?

MARTHA, CAROLINE, SUZZANA, RASHIDA, NDONGONDOGO AND NANCY(a collective scream):

WHAAAT!!!????!!!!???!!!



UNCORRUPT MAGISTRATE: I am afraid that is not good enough. Guilty or Not Guilty?

THE SIX LAWYERS LEAP TO THEIR FEET.

TO BE CONTINUED…..


Onyango Oloo
Montreal
Saturday, May 01, 2004
4:22 PM EST